Tara Fischer Of Lavii: “Self-Care”
Self-Care — A good self-care day or evening is always a good idea to show yourself some love. I love to take a bath and get all cozy with a good book. Making yourself a priority and dedicating time and love to yourself is a wonderful way to value yourself for the hard work you put in on the daily.
As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Tara Fischer.
Tara is the founder of Lavii® and as such, a confidence and self-discovery coach for women in their 20s who feel lost about what to do in life/career, overwhelmed by social pressure and limited through their perfectionism, fears and insecurities. She helps them embark on a personal growth and healing journey and improve their mindset, performance, wellbeing and self-awareness so they gain the confidence, clarity, consistency and contentment they need to step into their full potential, engage on ultimate life design and co-create a more fulfilled, independent and successful life.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
In my late teens and early twenties I struggled a lot with perfectionism and identity crisis. I hardly knew who I was and often got confused about where I wanted to go in life. I felt the need to have it all figured out and put a lot of pressure on myself to do more and improve. I constantly felt that I wasn’t quite enough or doing enough or had enough. This “not-enough-ness” lead me to grow some dislike against myself. I loved life more than anything and wanted to make the most out of it, but for some reason I couldn’t quite accept myself as for who I was, I constantly had the desire to change, to improve and to be different. The perfectionism alongside this strive for personal improvement lead me to develop obsessive behaviors with health and fitness. I wanted to be in control because that felt like the only way in which I could feel good about myself. However it lead me to burnout and many more mental health challenges. Later on I realized, that what was truly holding me back from living my best life and being the best version of me including being happy and fulfilled was to love myself, to accept myself with my imperfections and to take self-improving as an opportunity rather than coping mechanism. Once I developed the self-love and self-worth that I needed so much changed. I was able to really celebrate my wins and rise my contentment in life and career. I was able to step into my full potential, my relationships improved, my confidence improved and my overall wellbeing improved. This change that I experienced alongside my desire to show every woman out there how magical life can be if we let it happen, lead me to this career path.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
Yes! I have just launched an email coaching sequence called the LifeDesign Letter. There I share real BTS and no BS tools and techniques how women in their 20s can improve their mindset, confidence, performance and wellbeing.
With that weekly email sequence I hope to help women in a very simple yet effective way to find more self-love and contentment as well as stay accountable to the changes they want to make in their lives.
Accountability is soo important when it comes to making changes and increasing wellbeing — we have to commit to the right actions and routines, and this is what this coaching is for. + It is completely free because I believe we should all have access to support.
If people a curious to check it out they can find it on my website www.lavii.net
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Like I already mentioned a bit in the beginning, I always had a hard time accepting myself quite as I was when I was younger, but I didn’t really see any fault in that until I suffered a series of physical and mental challenges. I also always had a really good degree of self-awareness which nurtured my curiosity to understand myself better. However only through suffering from burnout, having gone through an emotional abusive relationship and minor depressions I realized that I needed to work on my self-worth and self-acceptance because if I wasn’t valuing myself the way I was, how could others + not valuing myself would in the long run mean destroying myself because I wasn’t paying attention to the signals my mind and body send me and that lead me to develop destructive behaviors and habits.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
For me the biggest cause of body image issues is society. Growing up in a society where judgment is so present and we either constantly compare ourselves to others or are compared by others doesn’t really nurture self-esteem and confidence. Seeing and being compared to people who look different is very dangerous. There is no prettier or uglier. We are all unique and no one person looks exactly like the other and no one person has exactly the same shape as the other. But because we compare ourselves to others and believe we need to look a certain way we are naturally unsatisfied with our appearance. Another rather underrated reason for this dissatisfaction I believe to be the privilege to be growing up in the western world. We have little less to worry about than appearance or material status since we are provided for. This leaves room for our mind to wander and go to places where self-criticism is highly engaged. However whether it is self-criticism or comparison not being happy with how you look can lead to serious mental health problems like depression or even physical health problems like eating disorders but most importantly it takes away our joy in life and contentment.
To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?
Well, self-love matters because of one simple reason — we spend 24/7 with ourselves, we are constantly talking to ourselves via thoughts. If those thoughts are of negative nature, self-loafing, self-criticizing we constantly feel bad. Feeling bad then leads us to perform lower and be less motivated, inspired, happy, etc., which leads us to show up in a different, not as energized way with the people around us. It leads to us sending out negative energy and as the Law of Attraction reminds us, like attracts like… The more negativity we send out the more of it we attract.
Simply put, not loving yourself means setting yourself up for failure. It means manifesting more negativity into your life. It means not being able to serve your friends, family, clients as much as you could and most importantly it means making yourself unhappy.
And for exactly those reasons it is important to love yourself.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
I believe it has to do with lack of self-love. They come to believe that this person, this relationship is the non-plus-ultra place to receive love because they cannot give themselves the love. They are afraid of what will happen when they leave, afraid of never being loved again.
But if they could understand that all they need is self-love to attract more authentic and real love, then they would change something.
By working on loving yourself, honoring your worth and understanding that you deserve the most amazing, wonderful and magical love from any person crossing your path will help you to understand what changes need to be made. But first you need to find that love within you.
When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Am I doing this for me or for others?
This is such an important question to ask because often times we do a lot of things just because others tell us to but we do so little for ourselves. If we want to become a better version of us we need to show ourselves grace and admit that we might have been too much of a people pleaser.
I remember when I was in my past relationship I would constantly say yes to everything my partner wanted which left me terribly unhappy and drained. But I had a hard time understanding that I needed to change the way I acted here. I needed to realize that letting go of my fear of not belonging anywhere needed to go.
Am I being too hard on myself here and pushing too much?
I remember when I was at the peak of my perfectionist tenancies I would constantly criticize myself, I would obsess about being in control of my time, my health, everything… That affected how I showed up with people so I needed to understand that I needed to be more compassionate with myself to make myself happier and to serve the people in my life better.
Am I being really honest with myself about this?
When we deny what needs to change then we ultimately show up inauthentic in our lives. But at the same time it can be so hard admitting that things need to change within us. For me it got really clear that I needed to drop ostrich mode and have a real talk with myself when I had the burnout. I knew I couldn’t continue like this and I needed to change things within how I thought and acted so things would get better.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Oh sooo important! Alone time helps us to really connect with our intuition and higher self which is ultimately the source that helps us make authentic decisions, improve, manage emotions and stress + make better decisions and find happiness.
When we are alone and we can enjoy this time being present and mindful we enter a state called FLOW. Once we enter this state pure happiness emerges and deep inner growth and healing takes place. We need all of that in order to truly show up as our best version + create the life we want to live.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
First of all, knowing who we are, what triggers us, what excites us and what makes us feel loved helps us to let people into our lives that are more aligned with our values and needs.
Second it does help us to communicate better how we feel, what we want and need and that improved communication, since communication is everything in relationships, helps us to deepen them.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
- Each individual should practice self-love and self-care. I would suggest for each single person to establish a ritual or routine maybe between 10 and 60 minutes a day or more if possible where they spend time only with themselves and on nurturing self-love, awareness and growth.
- Society could definitely do a better job promoting self-love and helping each individual understand the value and beauty in uniqueness and being different. + I would love to see less judgment and comparison.
Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
I try to meditate every day for at least 10 minutes to connect with my intuition and to calm my emotions and tune my mindset towards positivity and gratitude. This really helps me to lift my vibration and show up as the most authentic and joyful self I can be.
I love to spend at least an hour a day to myself to really check in with how I feel and how I am doing. I need this time to reflect and make changes in my life or within myself. I also want this time to really be mindful and appreciate the gifts I got and to remind myself of all the blessings and wonderful things about myself.
Exercising always makes me feel confident and well in my skin so it is a non-negotiable for me every day. I love to get in between 30 and 60 minutes of movement to boost my wellbeing and remind myself of how capable I am mentally and physically to master challenges. It is also a wonderful way to show yourself how much you care about your wellbeing and health.
I love to use a few self-love affirmations to boost my mood and to remind myself of all the wonderful things about myself. That gives me a lot of confidence and helps me keep my monkey mind in check.
A good self-care day or evening is always a good idea to show yourself some love. I love to take a bath and get all cozy with a good book. Making yourself a priority and dedicating time and love to yourself is a wonderful way to value yourself for the hard work you put in on the daily.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
My most favorite is the Deliciously Ella Podcast. She shares resources on all of them and there is soo much value in each episode. I take a lot of inspiration for my routines from that one.
Another one I love is “Happiness Happens Podcast” it is all about increasing happiness and joy in your life and it just gets you super pumped to improve what you can.
Lastly, I love the Imposter Cure — this book is a wonderful eye opener when it comes to changing your thinking about yourself and how you treat yourself.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
To replace criticism with gratitude and judgment with love. Instead of criticizing someone tell them all the things you love about them. Instead of judging other people show them the love they deserve.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
Happiness is a Choice.
In each moment, no matter how we feel about life or ourselves we can be happy. We just need to choose it.
When I was the unhappiest during my post-travel depression I had a moment where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knew something needed to change and that was the moment when I chose happiness. I chose to change something, I chose to see things from a different perspective and that brought me back some light. And if I can do it, so can you.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!